poetown's Diaryland Diary


emotional episteme

heart thumping terror lurks again. Terror, this time, that I will run when it's finally not time to run. Which kind of makes it not terror, just... a total unknown.

And every time I think about it rationally, there is no reason to be afraid. Like, not one.

I'm just afraid that there is something in me that's going to come bursting out and blow the whole thing up into a million sharp and burning shards. What reason do I have to be afraid of that? Do I think this is a habit?

All I know is that I've proclaimed undying love before, and those loves have died. I guess this happens to everyone. But it's hard to have faith in the possibility of it, after all that.

I just have to keep remembering that there's no rush. No rush no rush. Real things take time to become a part of one's viewpoint. I don't want to have faith in the possibility. I want to learn to understand what real love can be, and know confidently when I have found it. I am not a person who "knows" things quickly. I am a ruminator, a turner over of rocks and problems, a scribbler-outer, margins writer. I need to think a thing through, and draw its tentacles into the things I know already, working and molding and feeling out an understanding of it, until it's part of me. And then, it's knowledge, and I can live and act on it, because I won't forget.

So that's what I have to do with this inkling that I have. Work it out and pound on it, and tap the sides to see what's inside, shake it, listen to it, put it under water, put it in the oven, find out what it's made of, what it can and cannot survive and thrive in. It's possible that, like other inklings, this one will fade out into something never chased and nailed down. But it's also possible that it will be strong enough of an idea that it will become a reality, and I will know it for all time (the way I know anything for all time, which is, always open for revision, but basically what I think).

There's no way to know until you start poking at it.

5:43 p.m. - 2008-12-15


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